So by now most of you know may know the big news... Jason and I are expecting a baby girl in February (leap day to be exact). We are so thrilled about it and I am really thankful for such a blessing!!!
I want to post about the pregnancy now that everyone is in the loop, but I thought I'd start by just sharing a few things that have been on my mind throughout this experience so far. To start at the beginning, you should know that Jason and I haven't had the smoothest road to this point. Before this sweet baby girl, we received a positive pregnancy test that wasn't meant to be.
"God's Will won't take you where his Grace can't reach you"
Little did I know God was preparing my heart for this loss well before it ever occurred. I had gotten one of those annoying fwd. emails at work in April that I chose to open for some crazy reason. (Those really drive me bananas... so I don't know why I even opened it) Inside was this quote in bold letters. It wasn't sent from someone that is super religious- in fact we spend most of our time together drinking margaritas. It really struck me and so I copied it on a post-it note and hung it on my computer. Soon after finding out through a blood test at the doctor's office that we were pregnant I went on a beach trip with some work friends. While on the trip a friend who didn't know me very well opened up about a really rough experience she had recently. Among the things she said to me was that "[Her experience] wasn't a punishment, but something really sad that God knew she and her husband would be strong enough to handle. If anything, she should feel honored that God had such confidence in her strength and the strength of her marriage and faith to withstand that event."
Little did I know, those words would be what I would hang out to get me through my own painful ordeal. As I sat on hold with the nurse and sat at work trying to calm myself down so I could drive home safely, I kept picturing that sticky note and hearing my friend's voice in my head. I knew that it wasn't a coincidence that those things were running through my thoughts. It was such a comfort to see so clearly God's words of comfort and to feel his comfort through a friend who just held onto me in a tiny office until I could pull myself together.
I felt so much healing when friends, coworkers, and people I barely even know would approach me and tell my about their own disappointments and successes in having children. I have a strong belief that everything in life can be used for good- and if this sad event can comfort anyone else the way the words of others comforted me, then it is worth it to go back there and share it all with you.
BLESSED!
I came away from that time feeling closer to God because I recognized my own feebleness and just how much I needed to be able to give over control and know that something bigger was in control. I know faith is supposed to mean you don't have proof, but I can't look at all the things that happened (the song that came on the radio at just the right moment, reading just what I needed to hear, an unexpected phone call right when I needed it... so many more) and doubt that it was all beautifully orchestrated for me. (Or maybe that is just a little egocentric, but oh well). I just don't think it is a coincidence that in the two saddest moments of my life rain fell on me while I cried.
It was only weeks later that Jason and I left for our church mission trip. Halfway through the trip I started having some suspicions that something was up. I didn't even know if it was possible, but on our way home I decided we needed to find out. Sure enough we found out the day we got home... PREGNANT! This pregnancy has been so much more focused around God and our family relationship. I'm so excited to meet this little lady... she is certainly coming into a family that understands what a gift and a blessing she is!!
